Chapter 25
I couldn't sleep, sitting in the window seat in my room and staring out as the street became pale grey, then pinks and flames of oranges. The sun was rising, and everything was silent. My mind filled that silence with the hurtful words of a few hours prior. I felt guilty no more. I was not singlehandedly ripping them apart. And even if I were, I was doing them a favor.
I loved Letty, and I loved Dom. But I couldn't shake the way she'd pushed all his buttons, the way he'd struggled to fend off the verbal blows she hurled at him, the way she hadn't shut her goddamn mouth until he was forced into a blind rage. I loved Letty, and I loved Dom, but as a couple, I hated them.
No one was awake, except the odd maintenance man. I could hear the ocean, the calm lapping of the waves, and then another sound faded into my realm of awareness. A steady 'clap-clap-clap' of rubber soles on pavement, and shortly thereafter, Dom appeared in my line of vision, jogging, in baggy mesh shorts and a V-neck tee. He was sweating profusely and breathing hard, and he looked a little green around the gills.
"Hey," I called down softly. He stopped, confused, and glanced around. "Psssst." He looked up, shading his eyes from teh sun, and when he met my gaze, he smiled.
"Pssst yourself. What are you doing up?"
"Couldn't sleep. What are you doing sober?"
"Fight with Letty will do that to a guy. Any guy. And I'm not overly sober anyway." He grinned.
"So why can't you sleep then?"
"I don't, usually. Remember?"
"Hot already," I said, and he looked down at himself.
"I'm sweating like a pig."
He approached my house and gripped the fixtures on the drainage system, rattling them slightly and smiling up at me.
"I think you need a shower," I said.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," I nodded.
"I just had one. Just...twenty minutes ago."
"I think you need another one," I laughed. The long white cotton sundress doubling as a nightgown clung to my damp skin as I knelt on the windowseat and leaned out over the sill. He climbed slowly, never breaking my gaze, until he was just below me, and I could see the curves and contours of his lips. A shiver worked its way out of me as I was pummelled by a sweet remembrance of what that mouth had done to me.
"Good morning, Miss Isabel," he murmured, with a heavy-lidded smirk. "You look a bit sticky yourself. I'll be damned if you don't need a shower too, Blondie."
I laughed. His breath was sweet, spearmint. He must have just brushed his teeth. And he still smelled of soap from his last shower.
"Gonna let me in?" he asked. "Or is there a toll to pay at this window?" God, the man could be so charming when he tried.
"Oh, yeah," I smiled. "It's gonna cost you."
"Name your price."
"Hmmmm," I contemplated this. "A kiss."
His answering smile was soft and serene as he gripped the windowsill, feet balancing precariously, and pressed his mouth to mine. His dark eyes were closed and his tongue was there but uninvasive. He was an entirely different man than he had been just three hours before.
I undressed him in my bathroom and feasted upon his naked form, the great gleaming caramel Adonis standing before me.
He outweighed me by about ninety pounds, and yet I was completely unafraid. I would go so far as to say I was comfortable with his nudity. He was semi-hard, but as I undressed, he became rigid, and he was enormous. Absofuckinglutely huge. He stood, still and quiet, all nonchalant tolerance of my unabashed rape of his body with my eyes, until he urged gently,
"Turn on the water, Izzie."
We stepped into the massive marble tub, bathroom door locked, mainly against the event of my mother, and stood facing one another. I was a bit shaken at the sight of his erection, although I tried not to be the little pussy of a virgin that I undeniably was. He was a good deal bigger than Leon, and roughly twice the size of Jackson. The sheer logistics of making love to him were baffling.
He chuckled low in his throat, blinking beads of water from thick black lashes, and reached for my hand. I gave it to him, and he guided me closer.
"It's not going to bite you," he said softly, and I laughed. Bless him for making me laugh; I was so nervous. Then, soberly, with a touching sincerity and an endearing lack of inhibition, he said, "Just because we're both standing here naked and I'm hard doesn't mean we have to have sex. It's not painful for me. You don't have to do anything about it. And I can put my shorts back on if you want."
I blushed a little and shook my head, pressing my body against his, my head on his chest. I could feel it pushing into my belly, thick, hot and hard, as the warm water ran over us, needles of blond light peppering our skin. He alternated between playing with my hair and a gentle massaging motion up and down my back.
I was feeling sleepy now, in his giant arms, and he was soft and harmless against my stomach. My legs were rubbery from exhaustion and I yawned. He kissed the top of my ear.
"Falling asleep standing up?"
I nodded with a drowsy smile and watched as he stepped back twelve inches or so, washing himself with a perfunctory proficiency. His hands slipped and splashed over the dips and curves of his beautiful bronze body, and then he got out and forced sticky limbs into the tee shirt and shorts.
"Come on," he said, offering me a steadying grip and handing me the dress, which was nearly transparent on my wet body. He lifted me then, arms wrapped around my waist, and he flopped us both down diagonally across the bed.
He lay propped on one elbow beside me, staring into my eyes, and I was still, on my back, holding handfuls of the front of his shirt and looking up into his face.
"The day Leon made you come," he began quietly, "In the Escalade, I wanted to be touching you so bad. I wanted it to be me."
I licked my lips and blinked up at him, furrowing my brow for a moment, unsure of how to respond. Finally I took a deep breath.
"You can be touching me now," I said, barely above a whisper. "Now it can be you."
"Right now?" he asked, and I felt gentle fingertips slipping up my thigh.
I nodded. "Right now."
Almost gingerly, he drew the thin fabric up along my legs and I looked down at his hand as he touched me, muted cocoa between my milky thighs. We were absolutely sun-soaked, our skin blanched and bathed in the pale yellow light. His fingers were gentle, massaging lightly, pressing, exploring, stroking, and soon the heavy throb between my legs was so powerful I could concentrate on nothing else. I let my eyes fall closed and he pillowed my head on his other arm, letting his cheek rest on the bed beside me. He was watching my reactions to his touch, but I was not self-conscious under his study. He brought me dangerously close several times, and several times retreated. My face felt hot, my mouth dry, everything between my legs warm and full and wet. I was approaching my release, drawing so near, and again, he desisted. I whimpered and turned my face into his chest, so aroused that I ached.
"Shhh," he whispered, against my forehead, and traced the entrance to my body with the tip of his index finger, a torturously slow circle, and then he dipped just the very tip inside of me. Involuntarily, I dropped one hand down and caught his.
"Never done this before?" he murmured, and I shook my head. "I can stop if you want, but it's not going to hurt."
"Okay," I said, moving my hand to grip his wrist, and he found my mouth, covering it with his own and catching me in an easy, soothing kiss as he pressed deep into my body. There was pressure, but not pain, and I loosened the white-knuckle hold I had on him. He pulled his finger back and eased forth again, and then withdrew from our kiss, tugging lightly on one of my turgid nipples through the cotton. My back arched, completely of it's own accord, as he kissed down my stomach, kissed the curve of my mons, and I moved both hands to his head. I bit down hard on my bottom lip as his tongue hit my clitoris, and drew a sharp, rapid breath as he pulled it into his mouth, his finger gliding gently in and out of me, and this time he did not deny me my orgasm but urged me into it, holding my hips steady and lapping at me as the brutal cascade pounded over me, waves beginning at his tongue and crashing up through my trembling, boneless body.
Like the time before, he acknowledged my vulnerability afterward and took me in his arms. He held me as the shaking stopped, as my breathing regulated. I felt my lids growing heavy, this time not from lust, and I nuzzled into his neck to fall asleep.
This time, though, when I woke, he was still there. And he was asleep, allt he cockiness, the anguish, the responsibility gone from him. His mouth was slack and relaxed, no furrows in his toffee-colored brow, and his breaths came slow and easy. His head was on my chest, one arm draped across my belly.
I smiled fondly on him, remembering how he'd told me several times that he doesn't sleep. I didn't want to wake him, so I just laid and looked at him, completely still, floating on a surreal string of flashbacks. What had I done to deserve this? Such perfection, such beauty in a man? I remembered feeling this way the first time Jackson had kissed me. I had always been surprised when men found me attractive. Sure, I felt prettier now than ever before, but I still could not wrap my mind around Dom's inclination toward me. It was intoxicating. It was encouraging. It was very, very flattering. My heart jumped every time I looked at his mouth, and I could feel anew his lips tugging at my clit, the graceful movement of his hand, the gentle pressure in and out of me, the rough softness of his head beneath my hands.
I was buzzing, as if drunk, on that memory when he stirred and turned those deep chocolate eyes on me.
"I slept," he said, incredulous, and I nodded.
"You did."
"What time is it?"
I glanced at the clock across the room.
"Almost five."
"Holy shit. Eight hours."
I laughed at the wonder in his voice.
"That's not an outrageous amount of time. Average, actually."
"I bet it's been two years since I slept eight hours in a row," he told me, and laid his head back down on my chest.
"That's not healthy."
"Tell me about it."
"Have you been to a doctor?" I ran my fingertips lightly over his scalp, and he nodded.
"Hundreds of 'em."
"Will Letty know you were here all this time?"
"Not if I'm careful. She was gone when I left. Fought me, fucked me, fought me again, and fled. It's really getting bad."
"What's really getting bad."
"Our relationship. Me and Letty as a couple. It's bad. I'm done with it. I love her and I always will, but I'm gonna end it."
I drew my breath in sharply.
"Dom, I can't-"
"It's not about you, although this whole thing doesn't help. It's not about you. It's about me and Letty. I'm a shit to her and she's a bitch to me. She's no good for me and I'm no good for her. It used to be fucking awesome between us. That's why we held on for so long. But it's been pissy for years. She would never, ever end it, so I'm gonna. It makes my life hell and it's destroying her. She sees herself as part of me because we've been together since she was a kid. Me and my bullshit are all she's ever known, and she deserves to see the world through her own eyes. She deserves more than I can give her. I don't want to fuck her up anymore."
"She fucks you up too, Dom."
"Yeah." He nodded. "She fucks me up too." He lifted his head again and stared at me, and I took my face in his hands, kissing his mouth. He smiled against my lips and responded to my kiss with a gentle eagerness. Then he pulled back and studied me a moment, head cocked to one side.
"You're like a little angel or something," he said, "With your white skin and your white dress and your pink lips."
I blushed, but did not break his gaze. "An angel, huh?"
He nodded, shifting his weight so he could push my dress up again, and he cupped me in his hand a moment, eyes roaming my face and my neck, and he touched his lips to my collarbone as he began to stroke me almost absentmindedly. He shoved the skirt way up under my arms, baring my belly to him, and he rolled over onto me, settling between my legs, abandoning his assault there for a moment and taking one breast in each big, dark hand. He seemed almost mesmerized by the way my nipples rose for him, full and deep pink in the afternoon sunlight. I propped up on my elbows, pushing my chest toward his face, and he needed no further invitation. The hot suction of his mouth pulled forth a breathy cry from me, the motionless press of his waist between my thighs a torturous tease to the throb there. He licked the valley between my breasts before closing his lips over my other nipple, and my arms trembled, threatening to give out beneath me. Letting my head fall back and my mouth fall open, I felt the pinch of a gentle bite, a twinge as he tugged with his teeth and then released, moving to repeat on the other side. My breathing was sharp and sporadic, and after the moist satin of his mouth, his kneading fingers were deliciously rough, rolling the little blood-filled beads between them as he made a fiery trail down my belly with brief kisses.
I lifted my heavy head and watched his face become lost between my thighs, and when he hit the absolute root of my sensation with his hot, flattened tongue, I moaned and flopped back into the pillows, covering the hands at my breasts with my own.
In a matter of moments, I was spinning, numb and thrumming from the waist down. He rested his chin on my pubic bone, grinning up at me as I bobbed in the wake of the tidal wave he'd sent sweeping over me. I reached for him, and as he came to lie beside me in my arms, I felt his erection graze my thigh. I felt foolish, suddenly. Selfish. Three times, he had made me come, and I hadn't so much as touched him. I rolled onto my side and met his smiling eyes.
"Dom," I whispered, and glanced down at him. He followed my gaze.
"Oh. It's okay," he assured me quickly. "You don't have to-"
"I want to," I cut him off. "I mean, if you want me to...I want to."
He sobered and nodded, looking almost nervous.
"Okay," he said, and rolled onto his back, giving me easier access. He took my hand and slid it down his belly, under the elastic waistline of the shorts, until my fingertips bumped the smooth skin of his cock. I could scarcely breathe as he ran my hand down the length of it. The thing was a masterpiece. With my free hand, I pulled the shorts down, and he lifted his hips to help me. I rested my face on his lower belly and he smoothed my hair back off my forehead with a gentle hand, running his fingers over my curls.
As I touched him, he kept his breaths deep and even, kept still and let me explore him. I ran the tip of my finger around the ridge of his head, then bent and got him wet with my tongue, pulling back and blowing on the moistened flesh slowly. I could hear his heartbeat pick up, and stroked him hesitantly, up and down. He twitched in my hand and I eased him past my teeth, closing my mouth just around the head and sucking gently. He drew a long, shaky breath, and his hands stilled, one on my shoulder, one in my hair. I could fit half of him, at best, in my mouth, but he didn't push me, those powerful hips thrusting ever-so-slightly. His heart was racing now, and I picked up the pace. Even when he came, swallowing his way through his orgasm and trembling, silent, he didn't force my head down or pound his hips up.
I swallowed without so much as a second thought. It was all so calm and controlled, so easy and quiet He hauled me up into his arms and held me against his glistening chest, still breathing hard, and he kissed the top of my head. I smiled and buried my face in him, deeply, deeply content. Head over heels. I listened to his heart, and felt his breathing slow, until it was level and shallow, and when I looked into his face again, he was sleeping. I laid still, knowing how much he needed the rest and not wanting to wake him.
At seven-thirty, though, the phone rang. I knew my parents were gone-the house was noiseless-and the phone would only keep ringing if I left it. Dom jolted awake as I eased myself out of his arms.
"Sleeping again," I murmured, and he smiled. I crossed the room and picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Hi, Izzie. It's Letty. Let me talk to Dom."
Chapter 26
I dropped the phone and stepped back away from it as if it had burned me. In that instant, everything I had done materialized and sat like a boulder in the pit of my stomach, and my hand went to cover my mouth. I felt like slime. The worst kind of slime. Letty's tired voice on the other end of that phone echoed in my mind and I couldn't shake it. I turned to Dom, and he shook his head slowly, raising a finger to his lips, indicating that I should be quiet. I backed up away from the phone until I could go no further, the backs of my thighs hitting my mattress, and then I sank down and just sat, watching as Dom went to the phone.
He was all cool confidence as he stooped to the floor and lifted the phone to his ear, and although I expected to hear bushwoman banshee screaming from across the room, there was nothing of the sort. Only quiet, monosyllabic responses from Dominic, lots of nodding, and he didn't look tense at all. When he hung up, he turned to me and shrugged.
"Viri's there. She wants us to go to the convenience store and get some ice and margarita mix and meet her there. Someone covered for us somehow. We're going to have to be careful we don't say anything about today. Don't make up a story or anything, because Vince or Leon has done that already. Just agree with whatever anyone says we were doing today."
I shook my head.
"I feel like such shit. I feel like I should tell Letty everything."
"Well, don't feel like that, because you shouldn't. Coming clean to Letty would make you feel better, not her. Sounds like they've got quite the party going over there. Have you met Bree and Maike?"
I just looked at him. His calmness was unnerving. His nonchalance. His apparent apathy was such a glaring and direct contradiction to my consuming, searing guilt that it made me angry. I folded my arms over my chest.
"I don't want to go there and party with Letty."
"I thought you were friends with Letty." He sat on the floor and put on his socks and tennis shoes, slow, deliberate, nothing out of the ordinary.
"Some friend I am."
"Izzie, we've been through this before. Get dressed, baby, we have to go. You know that if you don't go everything will be painfully obvious." The soothing nature of that rumbling baritone infuriated me, but what made me even more angry was the fact that Dominic was absolutely right.
I roared in frustration and anguish and stood, yanking the sundress up over my head and going to the closet for some nice hooker clothes. Black leather mini. White scoop-necked wifebeater. Thong. Thick socks, lug-soled boots. He stood in the doorway of the bathroom and watched me do my hair and put on my makeup, one great arm propped on the doorframe as he stared at me with that even black gaze. I didn't want to cry, but the tears were there, right behind my eyes, and I knew that if I turned and made eye contact with him, it would all be over. My hand was shaking as I put on my mascara and lipstick, and then he reached out to me and ran his fingertips down my bare arm, and I looked at him, my heart in my throat.
"It's all right, baby girl," he said, taking my face in his hands and kissing my lips softly. A few tears escaped my guard while I was distracted by his kiss, and they tumbled down my cheeks onto his hands. "It's all okay, Isabel." He covered my mouth with his once more, then stepped back. "Come on now, everything's okay." I let him take my hand and lead me out of the house, and we walked to the end of the street, where the cabana and the convenience store and the tourist-y shops were located. I stood and looked at magazines while he picked out what he needed, then watched with a forced boredom as he checked out. I didn't want even the convenience store cashier to think there was anything out of the ordinary between the two of us.
Dom hoisted the giant bag of ice under his arm and took the paper bag with the alcohol in his free hand. I relieved him of it as soon as we got outside, but this proved to be a grave mistake. He tore a small hole in the end of the ice bag and took out a handful of cubes, coming up behind me and slipping them under the neckline of my tank.
"Oh, you fucker!" I shouted, and an old woman sitting in a lawnchair gave me a disapproving glare. He stuck his hand back in the bag and reloaded, and I picked up my pace, shaking the ice cubes free of my shirt, my skin agonizingly cold and dripping. "Dominic, don't you dare," I pleaded, as he came at me again, and I broke into a run.
"I'm not chasing you," he called after me, and I laughed.
"Good!"
I reached their beach house a good block ahead of him and opened the front door, grinning. The breathless smile froze on my face as I found myself eye-to-eye with Leon, and my heart skipped.
"Hey, Izzie," he said, and his tone was flat and dull. There was no laughing sparkle in his beautiful green eyes, no smile on his mouth, no tease in that growly voice. He looked stressed and sad and painfully sober. He moved to brush past me, muttering, "I was just leaving."
I caught his arm, and he turned, looking down at me with a confused frown.
"No, stay," I said, my eyes following his hairline, his sweaty, dusty-blonde curls, sunbleached and damp, along his jawline to his goatee. I could still feel it, brushing my face. I traced his lips with my gaze, his nose, settling on his eyes again, that intense green. "Please. Stay."
He cleared his throat and pulled his arm away from me, sighing a little and nodding.
"All right." He took the bag from me. "This the margarita mix?"
"Yeah."
"I suppose I can get started on that. Where's Dom? He bringing the ice?"
"Yeah." I didn't know what else to say as I watched Leon go to the kitchen and pull the two bottles of red liquid from the brown paper bag. My eyes lingered on his hands, remembered him touching me, remembered him showing me what ecstasy was on the black leather seats of the Escalade, and then I remembered Dom's voice...
'I wished it was me...'
It was all so fucked up.
"Everyone's in back, Izzie," Leon said, without looking at me, and I nodded slowly. All right, so he didn't want me near him. I was just standing there with my mouth hanging open like a fish and gaping at him anyway. Coaxing my legs into motion, I walked to the sliding doors and stared out for a moment before going any further.
Someone had erected a volleyball net, but no one was using it. Letty and Viri sat in the sand beneath it, Viri dressed almost exactly like me and Letty in a baggy tank and huge cargos and bare feet, looking cool and casual, her hair up in a ponytail. Vince was at the grill with two girls I didn't recognize, and I wondered if these were the girls Dom had mentioned at my place. Bree and...I couldn't remember the second girl's name. One of them was tall and voluptuous, the other very short and very cute and looking to be about twelve years old. Vince had their undivided attention, and he was feigning seriousness as he showed them the correct way to cook meat on the grill.
I slid back the door and laughed as Vince tried to show off and flipped a burger directly into the sand, and Letty and Viri looked up as I came out. Letty got to her feet and came over to me, and her smile broke my heart, but I forced a similar one onto my face as she opened her arms to me. I hugged her tightly and tugged her ponytail.
"What's up?" I asked, and she shrugged, standing back and surveying the small gaggle of people on the beach.
"Not a lot," she said. "Just chillin'. Just a few people here. Bree and Maike came with Viri, they're girls we knew in California when we lived there."
"Which is which?" I asked, and she smiled.
"Which witch is which, huh? The tall one is Bree. The little one is Maike. They're crazy. They're a lot of fun."
"What are the poor things doing over near Vince?"
"Get those three together and it's hopeless. They're like the Stooges or some shit. Did you bring the mix and ice?"
"I brought the mix. Dom's got the ice. I don't know if he's here yet or not."
"All right. Well, let's go sit."
I looked at her.
"Are you okay, Letty?"
"I'm just dog tired, Izzie," she said, and I nodded and was silent as we went to sit near Viri. Letty looked awful. Kind of sallow and dark circles under her eyes. But I remembered the kind of night she'd had, and didn't say anymore. I wondered if she'd managed to get any sleep that day or if she was running on fumes. From the looks of her, it was the latter.
I felt a little strange there with Viri, remembering kissing her, remembering kissing Letty...It all was dragged up and revisited in my mind as a result of Viri's presence. I wondered if I would find myself in that situation again, and I wondered, also, if that would be such a bad thing. I was grateful that Viri was such a chatterbox; I didn't have anything to say and didn't want to have to force pleasantries from my lips when inside I felt rotten and guilty and disgusting. Letty's mind seemed to be elsewhere, as well. She was distant and strange, deep in thought, staring across the water. Her smiles were quiet, and her razor wit was all but absent. So the two of us let Viri do the talking, and we all watched Vince flirt at the grill.
Leon came out with Dom and they set giant pitchers of margarita on the picnic table with glasses and a plate full of sliced limes and pineapples. Letty rose and went to Dom as he stood near the grill, joking around with Maike and Bree and picking on Vince for the hamburger in the sand. She wrapped her arms around Dom's waist and he didn't acknowledge her in the slightest. At that moment, still sitting in the sand beside Letty's friend, I could feel Viri's gaze on my face, burning into my skin, and my heart was pounding. I kept my eyes on the group at the grill, tried to present a perfect picture of innocence and nonchalance, but I knew Viri wasn't buying it. I knew that those big, streetsmart eyes saw right through me. And I wondered who...No, I was terrified, of who Viri would choose to tell about what she'd seen.
I stood and went to the grill with the rest of them. Leon came up from behind and put one arm around Bree and one around Maike, and Vince turned with mock sincerity and growled,
"Get your guido hands off my women."
"Hey," Bree said. "Enough with the Italian jokes. I don't wanna hear 'em, and you have no right to be making them. You're as guido as he is, if not more. And besides, he can put his hands wherever he wants."
I'm sure my head snapped up at breakneck speed. Surprised I didn't get whiplash. My first impulse was to slap her across the face. Slap that friendly smile right off her mouth. But then I realized that I had no right to slap this girl. Doing so would only make me look like a jackass. One minor detail I had overlooked--Leon wasn't mine. Not anymore. I saw the shiteating grin on his face, the cocky self-satisfaction as he beamed at Vince, and I bit my tongue. My gaze shifted to Dom and I knew that, even though he was standing there indifferent to Letty's very existence, he wasn't mine either. A lukewarm breeze brushed over me, leaving goosebumps, and I felt tears prick in my eyes. Neither of them belonged to me, and I belonged to neither of them. The only viable alternative was Vince, and he, although funny and affectionate, was less than intelligent and smelled bad.
I wrapped my arms around myself and saw Dom's black eyes lock on Leon's green ones for a long, tense moment. Had they noticed my looking back and forth between them? Neither of them budged. Neither of them smiled or spoke. Only when Vince announced that the meat was ready did they look away.
We sat at the picnic table together, one big awkward family, of sorts. Dom said grace and glanced with a lazy nonchalance up the table at me. From the looks Viri was giving him, I'm surprised he didn't burst into flames, right there in his chair. Letty, who'd been in her own dazed little world up until that point, now became decidedly aware of what Viri was catching onto. I wanted to kick the shit out of Viri for stirring this up, for bringing it out in the open. It had all been going so well as a dirty little secret that everyone knew but would not speak, my sins safe from verbal scrutiny, but now it was as if I were sitting there naked. It was as if Viri had stood in my bedroom doorway and watched Dominic bury his face between my thighs.
When we cleared away dinner, Vince and Maike and Bree went to bat around a ball, stumbling around, moderately intoxicated and very, very loud. Leon watched at first, then joined them. I hated myself for hating him for having a good time.
Yeah, Izzie, I thought bitterly. How dare he have fun without you?
Dom finished his beer, then pried Letty away from him and peeled his shirt off.
"Oh, come on, Arnold," Vince laughed. "This isn't a nude beach."
Dom flung his shirt into his friend's face and looped an arm around the tiny Maike, grinning down at her wickedly.
"And ain't that a shame."
"Hey!" Letty scolded from the sidelines, but there was a hint of humor on her tired face. I sat on the table, my feet on the bench, and watched the tomfoolery mirthlessly. Just behind me sat Letty, chatting quietly with her friend Viri. And before me was Dom, bumping, setting and spiking. Six years. They'd been together six years, and in 48 hours when Viri left, it would all be over. I was, at the very least, partially responsible.
The sublime pleasure of the past twelve hours was completely absent from my mind, completely absent from me as a whole, and I felt filthy. Heartless. I didn't think I could do it again. Everytime I even looked at Dom it was like twisting the knife. I remembered his face, his words, and the feel of his tongue on me, and I remembered Letty, grinning, hanging out the window and announcing my first orgasm to all of Mexico City. I remembered getting trashed with her and then going swimming, almost puking in the gutter. I remembered her tears in the kitchen, arms folded on her knees, her face buried, sobbing. I remembered her tension in the Viper, watching Dom with the little Mexican guy that night.
He's gonna hit him...
And her face as she lamented Life With Dom, Aren't I enough?
I felt my throat close in on me, my eyes filling with tears. I sniffed and wiped at them angrily and turned to see if Letty and Viri had noticed, but they were gone. They were gone, the boys were getting their asses whupped by Maike and Bree at volleyball, and I was sitting on the picnic table like some drugged, out-of-it spectator.
"Time to go home," I said softly to myself, and stood, a bit stiffly. I realized then that I must have been sitting there lost in thought longer than I knew, and I turned and went to the door, sliding it open. Dom was looking at me, I could feel his gaze on me, but I said nothing to acknowledge it, just went into the house. Barely past the kitchen counter, I heard voices, and stopped dead in my tracks. I could hear everything clear as a bell. They were in the bedroom around the corner, the guestroom off the living room. I didn't want to go to the front door, open and close it, and have them think that I'd been eavesdropping. But the only other alternative to that WAS eavesdropping. I sighed and leaned my back against the wall a few feet from the bedroom door, barely breathing.
"I knew this shit was going to happen." Viri's voice. "I fucking knew it. The minute I saw her, I knew. I knew it in Mexico City."
"I think I did too." Letty's voice. Tear-choked. I felt my own eyes threaten to overflow. "God, the real bitch of it is, she's my friend. I actually like her. I don't think they're doing anything, but shit."
"I think they are."
"Izzie wouldn't do that." Letty sounded so sure, and it was all I could do not to sink to the floor and sob. "But I know that he's interested as hell and she feels the same way. God, I think he even loves her. What the fuck do I do if he loves her? He'll leave me, Viri."
"Letty, you know what I feel about this. Let him leave you. Jesus Christ, good riddance! What does he do for you, except hurt you? Fuck around with your friends, go after little rich virgins right in front of your fucking face? Let him go. Give him a boot in the ass and TELL him to go."
"I can't."
"Why the fuck not?"
"I just can't," Letty was sobbing. It was strange to hear her sounding so weak and pathetic. I fidgeted with the hem of my skirt.
"WHY?" Viri demanded.
I moved my foot to one side and it hit the doorstop. An absurdly loud DONGGGGGGGG! echoed through the hallway and I cringed. Sonofabitch. Both of them went silent then, and I didn't make a sound. Then Letty broke the quiet, her voice thick with tears and shaky.
"Izzie?"
I said nothing.
"Izzie?" she repeated. "Is that you? Come here for a second."
There was no escape now. I stepped into their line of sight, into the doorway of the guest room where Viri would be staying. Letty looked at me with those huge black eyes, red from crying, sweaty strands of hair hanging in her face, and she wiped at her tears with the back of her hand. Viri ignored me completely as Letty gestured for me to come closer. Staring straight at Letty, Viri said,
"Why can't you get rid of him."
Letty took my hand in hers and slipped it up underneath the hem of the baggy white tank. She pressed it flat to her stomach, which was hot and hard and pushing out at the waistband of the boxers and baggy cargos she wore. I drew a sharp breath and pulled my hand away, looking at her with my mouth hanging open. She met my gaze and read my expression.
"That's what I think it is, isn't it," she whispered, and I'd have given just about anything to be able to tell her 'No.'
I said nothing, put my hand back on her and pressed lightly, lifting the tank with the other hand and probing her belly with gentle fingertips.
"Four, maybe five months," I said, my mouth dry. The hard swell of her uterus ended right at about her navel. Four or five months. "You should get a test to make sure, though. Make sure it's not some other thing..."
I was numb, and the numbness lent professionalism to my shock.
Letty turned to Viri.
"That's why I can't get rid of him."
"Jesus," Viri choked, suddenly pale as a ghost. "I can't do this." She pushed past me, out the bedroom door, and almost slammed head-on into Dominic.
"Can't do what?" he asked, catching her by the upper arm.
"Let go of me, you fuckin' prick," she spat, and shook herself free of his grasp. He leaned one elbow against the doorframe, blocking our exit but still not a threat. He looked at Letty, his brow furrowed.
"What's up, Boo." His voice sounded soft and compassionate, and there were worried creases at the corners of his eyes. I stood between them and as I looked at him, I knew exactly what he would do. Take her in his arms, tell her it was all right, that he'd take care of her. No matter how bad it had gotten between them, he wouldn't end it. Not now. And not ever. That wasn't the kind of man he was. He was a Catholic man, he was a stand-up man, and he put himself and his desires last. Letty was pregnant. Dom would be a daddy to the baby and whatever Letty needed besides. What we'd done had been beautiful, but it was all over now. I'd run my course. I'd had my turn. And now she had something that I could never, in a million years, compete with. I felt awful for Dominic, knew that he could have found such happiness without her. I felt awful for Letty, knew that she could have been so much without him. And now they'd be Mami and Papi forever to that little bulge I'd just had my hand on.
"Come here, Dom," I said, my voice strained and tight in my lumped-up throat. He approached slowly, eyes locked on mine now. He didn't speak, thank God, because I knew what he was thinking, that I'd confessed to Letty, and saying anything to that nature would have made things even more fucked up than they already were, if you can believe that's possible. Fortunately, he was silent. I took his hand and enlightened him the same way Letty had just done me.
"Jesus," he hissed, and pulled back slightly, just as I had. "How long did you know this, Letty?"
"I thought I was just gaining a little weight, and it didn't really start getting big like that until the past few weeks...And then this morning I woke up and I was so sick and I tried to put on this skirt and..." Her voice cracked. "And I didn't get my period last month but that happens sometimes and then I'm late this month too and the months before that..." Her words were running all together and she was crying now. Dominic took her in his arms and held her, and rocked her slowly back and forth, kissed her face softly. "God, Dom, don't leave me."
"Sshhh, Mami. Of course I won't leave you. It's gonna be okay."
I just covered my mouth with my hand, my tears streaming unhindered down my cheeks. His tenderness baffled and infuriated and relieved and cut me. I was so fucked up inside, I didn't know what to do. For a moment I stood there and watched. Watched him hold her. Watched him tell her it would be all right, that he'd stay with her and take care of her, and I knew he meant every word, even though three hours before he'd told me it was all shit between them and he needed to end it, for both his sake and Letty's. Did a baby change that much? Watching the way he was with her, I decided that it probably did, and I turned and left, closing the door softly behind me. I leaned against it and cried noiselessly, picking at the hem of that slutty white shirt.
I went into the kitchen then and sat on one of the stools, still crying. I noticed Viri standing near the refrigerator, holding a bottle of tequila that was more than half empty. She looked at me, then crossed the room to stand beside me and offered me the bottle.
"Well, I guess that's that, huh," she said, as I took it and slugged off of it.
I didn't recognize my own voice when I spoke, all harse and crackly and tired. I sounded old.
"I guess so."
Viri slid the salt down the counter to me and she and I did shots, Dom and Letty in the bedroom. After a while, we abandoned the tequila and went into the living room, sitting, both of us lost in thought, both aching with a regret that was not our own. The tequila hit me like a ton of bricks and I fell asleep with my head on the arm of the couch.
When I woke, Viri was gone, and Dom was in her place. It was dark and quiet, and the clock on the VCR said it was three in the morning. I thought he was sleeping, but when I sat up, his eyes opened and he stood and stretched before me, quietly. He was none too steady on his feet, and I couldn't really blame him for having taken what little solace alcohol could offer in his situation. He went to the television and switched it off, and I watched him move, that effortless agility even in a state of inebriation. Watched the way his clothes were with his body, the way his skin was pale blue in the moonlight, and his eyes were inky black. He turned to face me, but found he could not look me in the eyes, and hung his head.
"I am so, so sorry."
I cleared my throat.
"You don't have to apologize to me, Dominic. There's no way you could have seen this coming."
"I have to do right by her now. There's a kid involved."
"I know that, Dominic."
"I'm going to marry her, set up a family. Do what my father did."
"I know."
"How do you know?" he asked, raising his head and searching my face.
"I know you, Dom," I replied, my voice trembling. "I knew the moment I put my hand on her belly, before you even came in, that whatever it is that you and I were messing with was over. You don't have to justify anything, you don't have to explain anything. I knew then and I know now that you have to give it everything or you won't be able to live with yourself."
He nodded, and I saw tears in his eyes. I stood and went to him and pulled his head down to me, planted a soft kiss on his forehead. He collapsed into me then, wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my shoulder. I held him, much as he'd held Letty, and swayed gently back and forth.
"You just make sure that you give it your all, and you stick to your guns," I whispered. "If you duck out halfway, it will kill her."
"I'm not going to duck out," he said, and I was touched, but not surprised, to hear that he was crying. "I'm all she has. You get that, right?"
"I get that, Dom," I murmured, kissing his cheek. "I get it all." I ran my hand back and forth across his head, letting him stand there against me and cry until all the aggrieved tension was gone from him, and he yawned. I made sure he was steady before stepping back away from him and touching his face, my eyes locked on his. "Thank you for yesterday, Dom. It was beautiful. You are beautiful. I'm going to go home now. You get some rest."
He nodded and turned away from me, crossing the living room and disappearing into the shadowy embrace of the hall. I heard his voice, then, from somewhere in the blackness.
"Izzie."
I paused on my way to the front door and looked back over my shoulder.
"Yeah?"
"I know that shit is complicated, with you and Leon. He regrets what he did. If you decide to be with him again, for whatever reason, I'll understand."
I sighed. Just the thought of that whole situation made my head spin.
"Okay, Dom. Goodnight."
I left before he could say anything more, swinging open the front door and stepping out into the breezy relief of the Puerto Vallartan night. I wiped my tears and headed toward the street, but just before I reached the end of the driveway, I caught sight of a small orange flicker of fire coming toward me from the garage. I turned and stopped, squinting, trying to make out the shape in the dark. Another deeply familiar, gravelly voice split the silence.
"Can I walk you home?"
I knew immediately who it was, and again that exhausted voice came out of me.
"Sure, Leon. You can walk me home."